Always
by Sevi Snape
Summary: SPOILERS WITHIN for those who haven't finished DH.The final thoughts of a man who knows he is about to die.


A/N: I own none of the characters and some lines were taken from 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' so as to give you a time period. They all belong to Jo Rowling. However I have manipulated her characters to my own will for my own amusement and I hope for yours as well. Enjoy!

Always

Well he had finally got what he had wanted. To be headmaster of Hogwarts. Why then wasn't he happy?

Maybe because he was the successor of Albus Dumbledore, maybe because he hadn't really earned it, maybe because really it wasn't what he really wanted. He knew he was only in power at the school because Voldemort had installed him as such. He was here to do the dark lords bidding. Unfortunately for Voldemort Severus Snape was still very much on the side of Albus Dumbledore. And although seemingly nasty and portraying himself as every bit the death eater he was in fact trying to spare the students from any unnecessary evil and protect them, honouring Albus's wishes.

All in all Severus felt fucked!

'Severus you are doing well. Most admirably considering the circumstances.'

Severus looked up at the portrait of Albus Dumbledore, before continuing to place the floor of the circular office.

'Be that as it may Albus, I have failed. Lily died for nothing. You have told me that Harry will die anyway. All that work, keeping him safe for what? So he could go down in a blaze of glory? Glory or not it is still a death that needn't have happened. If only I hadn't been so stupid.'

He slumped down behind the desk.

'You knew all along didn't you?' Severus asked, with no note of accusation in his voice, just sad resignation.

'Yes I did'

'Then why not tell me?'

'What good would it have done Severus? Would you have turned from Voldemort if you knew your decision was in vain? Harry would have died 16 years ago and then there wouldn't have been the slimmest chance of stopping the reign of terror Voldemort intended to exercise. It was all for the greater good.'

Suddenly Severus was very angry.

'The greater good?' he spat. 'I gave my life for your greater good! For nothing.'

Albus sighed in his portrait.

'Not for nothing Severus, your sacrifice may have saved Wizarding world. Just as Harry's will. I know you loved Lily and I'm sure she was very fond of you too, in a way. But look what she left behind. A child. A child that will bring an end to the horror. And also in doing so she saved you.'

Severus dropped his head into his hands.

'Why her? Why not the Longbottoms?'

'That I can't answer. But I fear the outcome may have been very different if he had chosen them. No one fought for Alice like you did for Lily. You became a different man. All because of ….'

'Yes I know' Severus barked 'because of love.'

He fell silent and brooding. He knew Albus was right, however much he resented it he knew it was true. This was the way it had to be. Fate had dictated that.

'You know loved too much to be a true death eater.' Albus voice broke in on his thoughts. 'It was your biggest weakness and your greatest strength'

He didn't say anything. Instead he got up and walked over to the pensieve, leaning on its stone rim and staring into the mass of silvery blue. As always Lily's image was the first to rise to the surface.

'My part in this is nearly over isn't it Albus?' he asked without lifting his head.

'I fear it may be.'

'I think you know it is. I am overwhelmed by the desire to do everything I haven't had the chance to do and to get my affairs in order. Is that how you felt?' he asked still not averting his eyes from the image before him.

'My affairs were never going to be in order, and I doubt there was much else I wanted to do with my life.' The portrait chuckled and then fell solemn. 'But yes that is how I felt. That is why I handed the task of finding those last horcruxes to Harry.'

'I have nothing to leave.' He looked down into the pensieve again. 'Well almost nothing'

Albus nodded and smiled before leaving his frame and the current headmaster of Hogwarts to his last thoughts.

Severus drew his wand and dipped the tip into the stone basin. He stirred it three times before pulling it back out. Several silvery threads of memory clung to it. Placing the tip of the wand at his temple he allowed the memories to enter his mind again. It was like watch a film of his life. All the images flitted across his mind from the moment of meeting Lily to his final words to Albus's portrait before leaving the place the sword in the Forest of Dean.

'Yes I had a plan' he said quietly to himself and lowered his wand.

With the memories he wanted Harry t see safe inside his head again, he turned back to the pensieve. It was still full of memories. Memories too painful to be left to flit around his head, to dangerous to be left in his mind, lest the dark lord broke his mental barriers with legelimency. This was, of course, near impossible but he felt he needed the extra precaution in the early days, to protect her. Now the memories simply hurt too much.

Tonight he knew would be the last chance to gaze upon them again. His last chance to feel emotions stir, that he had not felt as keenly as these memories would have him feel, in many years. Before his end came he wanted to relive these memories in all their divine agony, their bitter sweet torture.

He leaned forward and felt his face break the surface of his memories, immediately falling through nothingness until his feet landed on grass. It was the same grassy clearing where he had first spoken to Lily. Now they were sat on the swings, both wrapped up against the chill of the November wind. It was over a year since they had left school.

The teenage Severus was scowling.

'I don't see why you like him, you never used to.'

'Well he's changed Sev; he's grown up a lot.'

"Doesn't seem like it to me.' Severus mumbled, 'he's still and arrogant prick.'

'Sev don't be like that. I don't want to fall out with you again.'

The young Severus fell silent, swinging slowly and staring at his feet.

'Are we still going to travel? Now that we have left school?' he ventured not turning his head to his companion, already knowing the answer.

'Sev we said that years ago! Lots have changed since before we took our O.W.L's.'

'I thought we were best friends.' Severus implored.

From his place in front of Lily's swing the real Severus felt his heart break all over again.

'We were Sev, we still sort of are, but you have chosen a very different path to mine. I love James and we are getting married. You are far too involved with those people you call friends. I don't really know you anymore.'

She was playing with a gold ring with a ruby embedded in it as she said this.

Memory Severus turned to look at her, tears forming in his eyes.

'You're getting married?'

Lily just nodded, a little sadly.

Both Severus's felt the excruciating pain in their hearts as if it had been crucio'd.

Severus watching his 19 year old self fiddle with something in his pocket.

'I wanted to ask you something Sev.' Lily said, reaching out to take his hand. He didn't let her. 'I can't stop you seeing those horrible people but I could give you a good reason not to.'

Memory Severus looked up at her expectantly.

'I have found out I'm going to have a baby!' she said quietly, unable to stop a note of happiness creep into her voice or hide the little smile on her face. 'I wanted to ask you to be a Godparent.'

'Potter's baby?' memory Severus asked deadpan.

She nodded her smile faltering a little.

'You want me to be Godparent to Potter's child?' he spat.

'My child Sev! It's mine as well.'

'I wouldn't help Potter's child if the Dark :ord himself tried to kill him!'

The real Severus winced at these words, his young self unable to know how wrong that statement was.

'It will be an arrogant little shit like him!'

Severus watched himself jump up from the swing, his face a blotch red, voice waving and his body shaking in rage.

'Severus!' screamed Lily aghast springing from the swing herself.

'It will be as evil and repulsive as him!' he carried on.

'No Severus Snape, you're the evil one! You're an evil, heartless, disgusting creature! I never want to see or hear from you again! I'm sorry I ever met you!'

She slapped him hard around the face and ran through the trees back towards her parent's house.

Severus let out a roar of pain, rage and anguish as he watched her figure dashing through the trees, her red hair glinting in the cold winter sun.

He thrust his hand in his pocket and dug out a green velvet ring box and hurled it in the direction she had run. The box hit a tree and burst open; a silver and emerald ring flew out and landed in the grass. Memory Severus stormed off in the other direction leaving the ring glittering in the grass.

The scene faded into mist and another appeared slowly. It was a month later or so in real time. He was standing in a large back garden. It was the garden of James Potter's childhood home. All around him people were chatting, there was bunting hung around the fence and about 200 hundred gold gilt chairs with red seats laid out in rows.

He saw his younger self stealing through the crowded garden, hidden by a disillusionment charm. He followed himself into the house and into the first room on the left.

Lily stood before him, alone and staring into a mirror. She was of course dressed in her wedding dress, her hair, curled and falling in soft shiny tendrils around her face and over her shoulders.

Severus sighed at her beauty, a tear stealing down his cheek. Both versions of himself felt their hearts pang with a sudden heavy aching thud at the sight of her.

Memory Severus appeared behind her, having undone the charm and cast a silencing charm almost simultaneously. Lily screamed in shock at his sudden appearance.

'Get out!' she screamed as she spun round.

The young Severus sniffed as a tear fell off the end of his nose.

'In a minute.' He said sadly and sniffed again. 'I just wanted to see you one more time before you become Mrs James Potter. I never wanted to upset you Lil, but he makes me so angry! He is a total prat, unworthy of you and yet he gets to have you as his wife.'

He paused, expecting Lily to jump in and rebuke him or reprimand him. She didn't.

'I know I have been an idiot, but it's hard for me Lil, I'm not like you.' He looked into her eyes, losing himself in their beauty. 'I had something to ask you that day on the swings…'

He couldn't finish his sentence.

Instead he gave a watery smile and leaned forward and kissed her lips. Before she could say or do anything he was at the door.

'Good luck Lil' he said with a sniff and left.

The mist descended again and the real Severus felt his chest heave, repressing sobs threatening to burst from him. The scene that materialized before him was about 9 months later.

Severus saw an extremely skinny and miserable younger version of himself trudging through the deserted square of Godric's Hollow. He followed himself up to the doors of the village's small church, and inside. His young self sidled into the Chancel and silently slid into a pew at the back. Before him the church was full. At the font stood a happy smiling Lily Potter nee Evans, a smug James and a sickeningly smug Sirius Black. In Lily's arms was a baby no more than 3 months old, with fluffy black hair.

Both Severus's watched Lily as she surveyed the congregation smiling until her gaze landed on the thin, pale and hunched figure in the back. Her smile faltered and became a little pained.

His 20 year old self gave a little wave and a slight nod. Lily passed baby Harry to the vicar on her left. As she did Severus saw the glint of something green and silver on her right hand.

As the memory faded, Severus felt a tear fall of the end of his nose and another run down his cheek. That had been the last time he had seen her alive. The memory that was before him now started outside the church he had stood in moments ago. Before him his young self ran towards the Potter's house as a flash of green burst out of the living room window. His heart thumped and then he heard her shouts of protest and pleading. As he reached the gate there was another flash of green this time in the window of the front bedroom. His young self kicked the gate which gave way and flew open. Suddenly there was an explosion and the side of the house exploded and both Severus's heard a high pitched scream and the sound of brick and rubble falling and settling. The young Severus had stumbled back at the explosion, falling over his own feet and landed on the floor. Quickly scrambling to his feet he ran to the front door, blasting it open with his wand. He pounded up the stairs, the door to the front bedroom was on the floor in splinters and the cool early autumn breeze blew through the doorframe. Following himself to the room and stopping at the doorway Severus watched himself fall upon the still body of the woman on the floor. He cradled her head, unable to see through his tears.

'No no no no no no no no no!' he heard himself repeat like a mantra, 'wake up, wake up, wake up Lily wake up! He said he wouldn't kill you!' he pleaded with no one.

The toddle in the cot began to cry.

'Shut up!' Severus shouted at him, 'it's your fault she's dead!'

He picked up Lily's hand and saw the ring he had intended to use to propose to her with. He removed it from her finger and dropped it in his pocket.

The mist started to descend on the scene and the real Severus watched his crouched figure disappear behind it. He remembered he had stayed like that for hours until he heard the roar of a motorcycle approaching and only then did he run from the scene.

His feet landed on the carpet of the headmaster's office, in front of his pensieve. He stumbled into a nearby arm chair and put his head in his hands letting tears fall down his already tearstained face.

Slowly his sobs lessened and he reached into his robes and removed a chain with a silver and emerald ring hanging from it. He watched it spin the air before while thinking how everything he touched turned out terribly.

'All this love for her still?' Albus asked as he slid into his portrait.

'As I said before Albus, always!'

He didn't avert his gaze from the spinning ring.

'I have nearly repaid my debt. There is no more I can do to protect him now.'

As the words left his lips the dark mark on his arm seared his flesh like a hot iron.

'I only have a few more hours don't I?' Severus asked without really needing the answer.

'Yes Severus, you only have to be strong for a few hours more. You have made me so proud. Both in your unfaltering service which has brought you misery, hatred and isolation, but also in your choice to endure those pains in so many forms. It has redeemed your early mistakes beyond any measure. Severus Snape I am glad to have called you friend!'

Severus said nothing, although several of the portraits in the room spoke in unison.

'Here here!'

'Well said!

'Severus Snape!'

Still Severus said nothing. He put the ring back in his pocket and stood up, wiped his face with a handkerchief from another pocket and looked at Albus. He nodded and picked up his wand before silently leaving the room.

As Severus laid there on the dusty floor of the shrieking shack, feeling his life leave him, he tried to keep hold of Harry's robes, the boy wonder, his only living connection to Lily.

'Look…at…me…' he whispered.

The green eye found black.

Severus died safe in the knowledge his fight had not been in vain. He knew Harry would understand what he had to do once he saw the memories, and he would also know why Severus had done what he had done. He could die almost content his efforts were not in vain.

Severus found himself in a place made of mist; he could see the grounds of Hogwarts as if he was looking at it all through a veil.

'Thank you Sev'

He turned to look into the eyes of Lily. Behind her stood James and Sirius.

'Yes thank you.' James said extending a hand.

Severus took it and James pulled him into a friendly embrace.

'You fooled us all.' Sirius said as he also pulled Severus into an embrace. 'We all thought you were an evil twat.' He said with a smile.

Lupin and Tonks appeared and also shook his hand, followed by Alastair 'Mad-Eye' Moody.

'You'd have made a great Auror if you hadn't been so foolish in youth.'

Then Severus saw the face he had most wanted to see next to Lily's.

'Albus.' He said gravely and gave a curt nod.

'You made us so proud.' He said pulling Severus into a fatherly hug.

Severus smiled, a real smile, the first he had smiled in an age.

He felt a small hand close around his.

'Are you staying here with us Sev? Do you want to see how it ends?'

'No Lil, I think not.'

Lily squeezed his hand and nodded, understanding more than he could have put into words.

'Thank you for everything you've done for Harry, for me.'

She reached up and kissed him.

With that he was gone. Happy that he had done all he could for Lily.

Severus Snape could rest in peace.

Finally.


End file.
